At this time, we would like to see revisions concerning the grammar in your application. Specifically, we noticed that there are several sentences which are fragmented in the personality and history section and do not stand alone well. (i.e., "Exploring faiths, questioning and examining and reflecting in mind and poetry the philosophies of mankind and its occasional intersections with divinity, looking for his answers rather than sitting back and making empty arguments or excuses to himself.") While fragmented sentences can be allowed in some circumstances, we feel that examples such as this are a little too convoluted to be clearly understood.
We've also noticed some repetition in some areas, such as in your FPS, sometimes combined with fragmented sentences. (i.e., "And the young man's brown eyes travel up to the bird's perch, and he snorts, shoving the pocket watch back into his sweatshirt and whistling.") We would like to see revisions which alleviate the use of repetition, and allow the sentences to connect more fluidly.
Feel free to submit your revisions at any time before the next app round, and they will be processed ASAP!
REVISION REQUESTED
At this time, we would like to see revisions concerning the grammar in your application. Specifically, we noticed that there are several sentences which are fragmented in the personality and history section and do not stand alone well. (i.e., "Exploring faiths, questioning and examining and reflecting in mind and poetry the philosophies of mankind and its occasional intersections with divinity, looking for his answers rather than sitting back and making empty arguments or excuses to himself.") While fragmented sentences can be allowed in some circumstances, we feel that examples such as this are a little too convoluted to be clearly understood.
We've also noticed some repetition in some areas, such as in your FPS, sometimes combined with fragmented sentences. (i.e., "And the young man's brown eyes travel up to the bird's perch, and he snorts, shoving the pocket watch back into his sweatshirt and whistling.") We would like to see revisions which alleviate the use of repetition, and allow the sentences to connect more fluidly.
Feel free to submit your revisions at any time before the next app round, and they will be processed ASAP!