At this time we are requesting a revision before we consider your application for acceptance. In particular, we would like more elaboration on her personality. What you have is fine, but each paragraph describes only one characteristic, so we would like a bit more about her than the four adjectives listed.
Additionally, we would like to see more of a third person sample. In particular, we would really like to see some of her thoughts or words -- either in mental dialogue or spoken aloud.
REVISION REQUESTED
At this time we are requesting a revision before we consider your application for acceptance. In particular, we would like more elaboration on her personality. What you have is fine, but each paragraph describes only one characteristic, so we would like a bit more about her than the four adjectives listed.
Additionally, we would like to see more of a third person sample. In particular, we would really like to see some of her thoughts or words -- either in mental dialogue or spoken aloud.