Kirei's primary conflict comes from a largely black and white view of good and evil, in line with what he would call an ordinary person's morality. For example, acts of charity and kindness being 'good' vs. acts of cruelty and sadism being 'evil'. He recognizes the difference and tries to be a good person because he finds that to be in line with what the world views as acceptable rather than any desire of his own. As far as he's aware at this point in time, Kirei thinks he has no desire of his own, and his disinterest in life and the world around him comes in part from that lack of attachment to anything or anyone around him. All he can do is go through the motions of being a just and moral person though he gains nothing from doing so; in other words, he's less of his own person and more like something self-programmed to do what the world and others expect of him.
And on the subject of others, there are mainly two in Kirei's life up to his current canon point that should be elaborated on: his father Risei Kotomine and his wife Claudia Ortensia. Risei, being a kind and loving father, took pride in the fact that from an early age, his son lived up to all expectations. In reality, Kirei's questioning of his own nature started with a simple realization he had one morning: he did not love his father. There was no reason for that to be true, and in fact he didn't hate Risei either. But the fact remained that he felt nothing for either his father or that which Risei Kotomine regarded as beautiful. Furthermore, the two lived with Risei having no idea of his son's dilemma; Kirei was so thorough in going through the motions of being a good and moral person that his father never once had reason to think he was anything else. To phrase it another way, it would be a safe assumption to make that Kirei was never truly understood by even his own father.
In his attempts to find some source of real happiness, Kirei concluded that any normal individual would be happy to love someone and have a simple family life. So his final attempt--termed by Kirei himself as an 'experiment'--was in marrying a woman named Claudia. A member of his father's congregation, she was a terminally ill woman with only a handful of years left to live at most. He made an honest attempt to care about her for two years, hoping that would be what finally triggered some sense of mundane happiness. Although he made such an attempt and was in turn earnestly loved by Claudia herself, Kirei found he experience neither joy nor anything resembling love. His only interest came in Claudia's suffering and their daughter Caren's despair at her ailing mother's state.
Finally, Kirei determined that the existence of someone like himself--who felt no joy and failed to recognize what others regarded as beautiful--was clearly just a mistake, and resolved to simply end it. As she had been part of his final experiment, Kirei determined it only fair to inform Claudia of his results. Approaching his wife on her deathbed, Kirei calmly informed her that despite all his efforts, he was incapable of loving her. In her final effort to prove to Kirei that he could love someone and that his life was therefore worth living, Claudia chose to disagree with him before killing herself.
Unfortunately, in that moment Kirei Kotomine found his only thought was 'How terrible. If she was going to die, I wanted to kill her myself.'
For reasons he could not comprehend--not knowing if it would be for his own pleasure or to end her suffering--the only grief he felt was that of losing an opportunity. Though he saw Claudia's death as meaningless, Kirei didn't want it to have been worthless; as a result he both continued to live and (for a time) ceased pursuing answers to his existence.
REVISIONS also cw: suicide just to be safe
Kirei's primary conflict comes from a largely black and white view of good and evil, in line with what he would call an ordinary person's morality. For example, acts of charity and kindness being 'good' vs. acts of cruelty and sadism being 'evil'. He recognizes the difference and tries to be a good person because he finds that to be in line with what the world views as acceptable rather than any desire of his own. As far as he's aware at this point in time, Kirei thinks he has no desire of his own, and his disinterest in life and the world around him comes in part from that lack of attachment to anything or anyone around him. All he can do is go through the motions of being a just and moral person though he gains nothing from doing so; in other words, he's less of his own person and more like something self-programmed to do what the world and others expect of him.
And on the subject of others, there are mainly two in Kirei's life up to his current canon point that should be elaborated on: his father Risei Kotomine and his wife Claudia Ortensia. Risei, being a kind and loving father, took pride in the fact that from an early age, his son lived up to all expectations. In reality, Kirei's questioning of his own nature started with a simple realization he had one morning: he did not love his father. There was no reason for that to be true, and in fact he didn't hate Risei either. But the fact remained that he felt nothing for either his father or that which Risei Kotomine regarded as beautiful. Furthermore, the two lived with Risei having no idea of his son's dilemma; Kirei was so thorough in going through the motions of being a good and moral person that his father never once had reason to think he was anything else. To phrase it another way, it would be a safe assumption to make that Kirei was never truly understood by even his own father.
In his attempts to find some source of real happiness, Kirei concluded that any normal individual would be happy to love someone and have a simple family life. So his final attempt--termed by Kirei himself as an 'experiment'--was in marrying a woman named Claudia. A member of his father's congregation, she was a terminally ill woman with only a handful of years left to live at most. He made an honest attempt to care about her for two years, hoping that would be what finally triggered some sense of mundane happiness. Although he made such an attempt and was in turn earnestly loved by Claudia herself, Kirei found he experience neither joy nor anything resembling love. His only interest came in Claudia's suffering and their daughter Caren's despair at her ailing mother's state.
Finally, Kirei determined that the existence of someone like himself--who felt no joy and failed to recognize what others regarded as beautiful--was clearly just a mistake, and resolved to simply end it. As she had been part of his final experiment, Kirei determined it only fair to inform Claudia of his results. Approaching his wife on her deathbed, Kirei calmly informed her that despite all his efforts, he was incapable of loving her. In her final effort to prove to Kirei that he could love someone and that his life was therefore worth living, Claudia chose to disagree with him before killing herself.
Unfortunately, in that moment Kirei Kotomine found his only thought was 'How terrible. If she was going to die, I wanted to kill her myself.'
For reasons he could not comprehend--not knowing if it would be for his own pleasure or to end her suffering--the only grief he felt was that of losing an opportunity. Though he saw Claudia's death as meaningless, Kirei didn't want it to have been worthless; as a result he both continued to live and (for a time) ceased pursuing answers to his existence.